How do you actually start moving forward? from people, relationships, memories and promises? If you asked me a year ago, I would not know the answer but if you ask me now, these are the three things that would easily come up in the conversation. First, get up everyday and go on with your life. Second, do not rush it because one day you'll wake up and what hurts or bothers you no longer matter. Third, you make new memories to overwrite the old ones. The third one, I like most :) Making new memories to overwrite old ones.I have a habit of associating songs, places, smell, things and food with people and memories. That's why one of the challenges I had moving forward was having all these places and things associated with this person and I did not know what to do with them. I eventually realized instead of trying to ignore it why don't I face it head-to-head because when hell finally breaks loose, I had to go in one of the cities we had a lot of memories in so I had no choice but to face the city I thought I would never had the courage to go again. Guess what? In the coming weeks after that by the twist of fate, I had to revisit every cities and places that we had memories together. I could not thank God enough for arranging it that way because it made me feel fearless and brave. You know those cheesy songs of December Avenue? We used to listen to them in the car, while we rest or sometimes he sings them for me. I've been avoiding those songs ever since. Few weeks ago, I accidentally listened to it and I felt so good because they no longer make me sad, it was such a relief that finally fucking finally that part of my life is done and it does not matter anymore. Just this weekend, I finally had the chance to rewrite memories where it all started. Coming back, I did not feel anything at all but I was excited to be in that place again because it is too beautiful to have sad memories. It was kinda funny that we were drinking on the way there and finished a bottle of Black Label but when we got to finally dance the night/morning away - I was already sober :)) Maybe kasi I wanted to remember everything about the trip. It made me feel happy because somehow the old memories were just batshit crazy and the new ones were equally, if not, even crazier. I thought it will take me years to move on from it but I guess, we have our own time, our own phase. It was not easy, it was a daily struggle but I got too busy to care about it, then it dawned on me that it happened so gradually, so beautifully that when I finally realized it, I was okay. I am okay and I've never felt so full, so good about myself from pulling through. Among everything else, I would say I've matured, I'm wiser, braver and stronger than I was 6 months ago. xoxo, M
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She wonders and wandersMonica writes about her life, what she eats, what she reads and where she goes. This space is where her thoughts, experiences, memories and feelings turn into words. She's glad that she can share with you. Archives
August 2021
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