Dear You,I know you've been through hell and back for the past months - the drastic changes have been, hm, well, drastic. You count everyday either a good or bad day. You have been waking up at 3 or 4 am uneasy with the day - thinking if you can make it through. You have your breakdowns in the middle of the day - you can't understand why all of a sudden, all the things that make you sad, worry and angry comes crashing in. You feel anxious because you have something that's uncertain - the in betweens but you know that it's a dead end. People think it's easy to say "calm down" or "it's going to be fine so stop being emotional" what they can't grasp is that you, yourself can't even understand it.
You never needed to validate yourself but for the first time in years, with this, you have been constantly asking, "Are you sure?", "you do?", "Until when?", "will you do that for me?" or when you constantly have to say "I love you" because one day it will no longer mean anything or won't hear anything back. But you know what, you are still strong. You get up in the morning - get anxiety, cry in the shower, lose your appetite - but you still get through your day. Head up and heart strong. You realized that no matter how perfect it looks from the outside, the dents inside are ticking bombs waiting to just split open and crack. You've been to fancy dinner dates around the world but you realized you need the 100 pesos meal on the road, singing your hearts out, crying from laughing too much and just driving somewhere far. You dreamed of an engagement in a restaurant on top of the building with 360 view of the city and under the perfect night sky, only to cry and be speechless with an inexpensive ring from a gift shop. I know you only want someone who will give you a handkerchief and will hug you when you're having anxiety. Someone to calm you down. Someone to keep you grounded. Someone you can just drag to the movies and laugh when you cry with the mushiest romantic movies. I thought loving, hurting and having anxiety makes you a weak person but I realized it makes you stronger, it makes your heart hurt so much but it keeps you afloat and alive. You're still strong because you continuously fight the demons in your head. You're still strong because despite the pain and sadness that you feel - you carry on. And you're still you, strong and brave, because you choose to love. At the end of the day, you choose to love with no regrets. And I hope one day, when everything finally falls into place, you get to finally have the love you deserve.
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She wonders and wandersMonica writes about her life, what she eats, what she reads and where she goes. This space is where her thoughts, experiences, memories and feelings turn into words. She's glad that she can share with you. Archives
August 2021
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